I have been friends with my best mate for over 15 years. She is the god mother to my son. I have been there for her through the death of her son. In the past 2-3 years I am the one always texting and calling and in the last 6 months I’ve had enough of being the one always making contact. She disappears for months at a time then out of the blue she turns up to see the kids or wants a haircut. I’ve spoken to her about it and all I ever get is I’m busy with work I will come more regularly. I understand we all have to work but 2 mins to send a text is nothing. She text on Xmas eve to come drop the kids stuff off after 3.5 months of nothing. I didn’t reply to her text and haven’t heard since. I love her dearly but I’m sick of being the one who has to make an effort. I feel hurt and guilty that maybe I should not abandon her after everything she has been through. Am I the bad person here? Who knows.
Hi Jen, thanks for your comment. Only you know what to do for the best. I had a very clear plan about how I was going to approach resolving my hurts with this person. Ending our relationship was my absolute last resort. But they failed to respond to any of my attempts to repair our relationship so I was left with no option but to withdraw. I did so with a very heavy heart. I wish you all the best with sorting this.
Thank you for your honest post. I’m going through this now with a family member. I’ve spent years doubting the validity of my perception of many past events because they seem to be at odds with the other person’s recollection of the same events. I can’t have a meaningful conversation about any of it because they dislike conflict and label anything that makes them feel emotionally uncomfortable as conflict. They deflect, change the topic or joke about my confrontational nature. I feel unheard, unloved and hurt. Being unable to air my feelings or have an authentic conversation has stunted the relationship which saddens me. I’ve worked hard on taking ownership of my own part in past events, and work hard to keep my own need to be right over being kind in check (not always successfully! The other person, whilst being academically intelligent, refuses to explore their emotional self, or to concede that our current relationship is poor. I am not proud of feeling this way. I feel like I’ve failed to maintain an integral relationship; it doesn’t honour either of us. My sense of esteem is definitely impacted by that belief. I guess I have more work to do on myself!
Hi Chloe. This is hard. I feel your pain with this one. I used to assume that the people I loved saw the world as I did and would have the same resources to call upon to negotiate conflict. WRONG. I now assume people see the world with nothing in common to me. I observe and let them show me how they approach their lives and our relationship. This has saved me a bunch of heartache. We can either choose to love people at the level they're currently at, or not. But we can't change that level no matter how we might try.
This is exactly what I am going through with my dad and stepmom right now. I know I was supposed to read it at this moment. I am really struggling with wanting to work on the relationship, diving in to the past, setting up boundaries for the future, etc, but I just realized that they will never (can't or won't) meet me half way. Now I am grieving what has never been and what will never be in this lifetime. And it hurts.
Hi EC, I totally get where you're coming from. It's amazing how differently we see things to those closest to us. What happens when you try to talk to them about what's on your mind?
I have been friends with my best mate for over 15 years. She is the god mother to my son. I have been there for her through the death of her son. In the past 2-3 years I am the one always texting and calling and in the last 6 months I’ve had enough of being the one always making contact. She disappears for months at a time then out of the blue she turns up to see the kids or wants a haircut. I’ve spoken to her about it and all I ever get is I’m busy with work I will come more regularly. I understand we all have to work but 2 mins to send a text is nothing. She text on Xmas eve to come drop the kids stuff off after 3.5 months of nothing. I didn’t reply to her text and haven’t heard since. I love her dearly but I’m sick of being the one who has to make an effort. I feel hurt and guilty that maybe I should not abandon her after everything she has been through. Am I the bad person here? Who knows.
Hi Jen, thanks for your comment. Only you know what to do for the best. I had a very clear plan about how I was going to approach resolving my hurts with this person. Ending our relationship was my absolute last resort. But they failed to respond to any of my attempts to repair our relationship so I was left with no option but to withdraw. I did so with a very heavy heart. I wish you all the best with sorting this.
Thank you 🙏 Lauren xx
Thank you for your honest post. I’m going through this now with a family member. I’ve spent years doubting the validity of my perception of many past events because they seem to be at odds with the other person’s recollection of the same events. I can’t have a meaningful conversation about any of it because they dislike conflict and label anything that makes them feel emotionally uncomfortable as conflict. They deflect, change the topic or joke about my confrontational nature. I feel unheard, unloved and hurt. Being unable to air my feelings or have an authentic conversation has stunted the relationship which saddens me. I’ve worked hard on taking ownership of my own part in past events, and work hard to keep my own need to be right over being kind in check (not always successfully! The other person, whilst being academically intelligent, refuses to explore their emotional self, or to concede that our current relationship is poor. I am not proud of feeling this way. I feel like I’ve failed to maintain an integral relationship; it doesn’t honour either of us. My sense of esteem is definitely impacted by that belief. I guess I have more work to do on myself!
Hi Chloe. This is hard. I feel your pain with this one. I used to assume that the people I loved saw the world as I did and would have the same resources to call upon to negotiate conflict. WRONG. I now assume people see the world with nothing in common to me. I observe and let them show me how they approach their lives and our relationship. This has saved me a bunch of heartache. We can either choose to love people at the level they're currently at, or not. But we can't change that level no matter how we might try.
This is exactly what I am going through with my dad and stepmom right now. I know I was supposed to read it at this moment. I am really struggling with wanting to work on the relationship, diving in to the past, setting up boundaries for the future, etc, but I just realized that they will never (can't or won't) meet me half way. Now I am grieving what has never been and what will never be in this lifetime. And it hurts.
Hi EC, I totally get where you're coming from. It's amazing how differently we see things to those closest to us. What happens when you try to talk to them about what's on your mind?
💚